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A Not So Happy New Year.

Hellooo! Happy New Year!! 
I hope you've all had a fabulous New Years and all recovered by now.

Unfortunately this time of year is normally pretty hard for me. It’s normally the time of year I have more visits to the doctors/hospitals, mainly because of my mood and depression. A lot of people feel down this time of year too, after the excitement of christmas and new years and being pretty busy for 2 weeks its not that great going back to work or school and getting back to a normal routine. This doesn't happen for me, although i wish it could. I normally spend the next two months in bed a lot, losing day after day. 

This year doesn't seem very different. I’m writing this at 4:40am on the 9th January and I’ve already missed most of the first 8 days of January. The only difference is, i have this surgery looming over me and growing ever closer, its only 4 days to go and I am absolutely petrified!! 

I stupidly googled it. NEVER i repeat NEVER google it!!! EVERRRR!! 
Anything medical you should never google cause you’ll have a cold and end up believing your gonna die at the end of it, always see a doctor for a diagnosis first then maybe google it. 

I just wanted to see what the scars will look like and what it will look like stitched up. I never wanted to see what it looks like during the surgery, so I didn’t google that, although I watch enough Casualty to know what it kind of looks like but still surgery photos popped up so i should have known better really.

It’s all a little bittersweet. I don’t think there really is a good outcome of this surgery. Either they find some Endometriosis and yes, i will know that it what is actually wrong but, Endo is for life, it can come back and affect you so badly you have to repeat the surgery. Also, they might not find anything and I’m back to stage one although I’ll know it isn't Endo which would be good. I’m all confused on how to feel and what to think right now. All I’m seeing is horrible nightmares of the surgery and I am not feeling that right now. 

I’ve been thinking way too much lately and decided i NEED to change my life, its ridiculous now. If i was back at school I would be laughing at myself right now about how I am dying to get out of bed and do something with my life, back in school i would have died for a day in bed. But as I have the surgery soon I’ve had to keep my feet firmly on the ground and stop my head and heart running ahead of me. Although I’ve found myself lots of things to do whilst recovering after so hopefully I should be back to myself quicker and won’t get bored. 

I’m going to blog all about it after and what my next stage of action is because I’ll know better after what to do next. I’m just hoping nothing goes wrong or anything so that well obviously I don't want anything to go wrong but also the recovery will be better and i’ll have something positive to tell you.

So, i’ll see you in a week or so with an update.
Lots of love

Feel free to send me a message somehow and i’ll reply as soon as i can!

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