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Why aren't you smiling?

Becoming frustrated doesn’t help with my pain and obviously my mood a lot and when the people around you who are supposed to care about you don’t help either it gets a whole lot worse.

These last few weeks have been so frustrating and no matter how many times I explain this illness to people or tell them I’m not just going to magically get better overnight they will never understand. People also don’t seem to understand that I’m trying to get better and that I have tried almost every therapy, medication, routine, food, drink, etc.

What people STILL don’t seem to understand is that I might look okay to you and be having a laugh with friends but that doesn’t mean everything’s better. Being out with my friends or family I may feel slightly better (otherwise I simply wouldn’t be out) but it means I’m probably sacrificing a decent night’s sleep or a whole day or week after. I’m not going to sit there and constantly say ‘I’m in pain, I’m in pain…’ otherwise what is the point in me leaving the house.

I’m also sick to death of people coming up to me telling me to smile. For starters what gives you the right to tell me what to do? Would you be constantly smiling if you had all this going on with your body and mind? And why do I have to be smiling anyway? I’m not going to just sit constantly smiling when there’s no reason to anyway otherwise people would then think I’m mad. This isn’t even drunk people that do this, its nosey sober people who think they’re better than everyone else and should tell them what to do. Have you ever thought that I might not be happy and going out for me (even though I have been more) is still quite hard for me.

The next time you think of going up to someone and telling them to smile, have a think, you don’t know what’s going on in their lives.

Another thing that irritates me so much - just because I look younger than 21 does not mean I act or think younger. If I’m anywhere with my family or anyone needs to speak to me about something ‘grown up’ why do people speak to my mum and dad like I don’t exist. I wonder if I moved out and eventually fended for myself, got married and had children people would still call my mum or dad first to ask them if I’m allowed to go out, on holiday etc. I don’t understand how at 21 people are expecting me to grow up and have more responsibilities even though its hard with this illness. What little way I still have of acting my age, people seem to want to take that away from me.

The best way to get rid of a lot of frustration lately was to have a massive clear out in my room. Getting rid of clothes that don’t fit was really depressing and got me really down but I’ve kept any that I love and I’m determined to fit back into them. As I have 6 weeks until my holiday I’ve decided to diet until I go away. Also I’ve getting rid of any photos of people who I don’t even like anymore. Maybe from bullying or just bringing back bad memories that I don’t need in my life anymore. Even my laptops been having a clear out. Now I just want to get rid of or delete everything and start over.

After weeks and weeks of saying and planning I’ve also applied so that I can sell cupcakes from home. I’m going to be still making gifts etc. to sell but if I’m ever too ill to make an order my mum can also help out which works out well for me. Hopefully this will be good for me and making them more often will stop me from eating them as I’ll probably be sick of the sight of them one day. I’m not forgetting acting though. I’ll be able to fit both in together and they’ll both fit in around the bad days I might have.

Things have been looking a lot better lately although I have discovered that in the winter (mainly after Christmas) my mood and health is a lot worse and I seem to spend more time in the doctors, I’m determined to not let that happen this time. Even if it does happen my family and I should know how to handle it more and hopefully I’ll see a lot more outside my bedroom during that time.

I’ve decided that after Christmas I’ll have another clear out of my room and everything I own which may help like it has over the summer. The summer has not only been better because of the weather and longer days but also everyone is back from university and I’d dread September and them all going back. This year may be different as not all of them are going back and a lot are sticking around in Huddersfield after finding jobs here to save up and live at home again. I’m also planning things to do so I have ‘treats’ to look forward to and plan towards getting there. We’ll just have to wait and see how all this works out.

Natasha

xoxo 
I've also been to wales this week, here's my excited to be on a train face. Clearly smiling here.

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