Skip to main content

Depression isn't a choice.

Unfortunately, the amazing actor Robin Williams recently passed away. The cause of death was confirmed as suicide. I read something after his death which I believe is true. Robin Williams didn’t take his own life, depression did. If he didn’t suffer from depression he would still be with us now.

Depression isn’t a choice. It isn’t feeling sad or fed up for a few hours or days. I hate when people say ‘I feel so depressed’ because they’ve seen a character die on their favourite TV show/Film or because their parents won’t buy them the latest fashion trend or Xbox game. You can’t just snap out of depression which most people think will happen or be given a magic tablet and everything’s fine again. It interferes with how you live and changes your life.

For me it changed my whole life. Since leaving school I believe that’s when everything started. I used to have so much confidence at school by the time I left. Unfortunately when the bullying began for me again at college when everyone says they grown up over the 6 weeks from school to college (this doesn’t happen) but I’ve already talked about being bullied throughout my life in another post. Since then my life has never been the same and I’m still unable to live like a normal 21 year old, although that is also because of the Fibromyalgia and M.E.

The reason I suffer from depression is most likely because of being bullied mixed with now suffering from this illness. They’re lots of reasons why people suffer from depression but there isn’t always a cause, sometimes it just happens. Any one, any age, any gender, etc. can suffer from it. Just because Robin Williams was a famous comedian doesn’t mean that he was always happy and smiling. I think a lot of people suffering from depression are good at covering it up.

Some people manage to change their life and are able to manage and cope with depression by treatments like anti-depressants, lifestyle changes like changes in eating or exercise and talking therapies like support groups or CBT. Sometimes something may come along that may just change your life that you weren’t expecting and will help you to find a way to cope. Unfortunately for some people this doesn’t always happen.

Even with the amount of people around you or that support you, depression is very lonely. It’s hard to talk to anyone; I know I felt like that. Even though you want to talk to someone but you don’t want anyone around you and to just hide away. I found talking to someone better, but it took me ages to find the right person besides my family. My family are some of the best people to talk to and it feels better letting them know what I was going through but my mum this year found a psychologist who even specialised in M.E/CFS and Fibromyalgia to go see which has really helped. I was also sick of the amount of tablets I was taking not that any seemed to help me so I’m so glad this came up.

The best thing for me is to be able to talk about it, people will surprise you and they won’t laugh or tell you you’re being silly. If they do, then they aren’t worth your time. There will always be someone else.

Depression is not a sign of weakness; it means you’ve been strong for far too long.

Next time (which I say this every time) will be posted a lot sooner I’ll talk about my Gynaecology appointment last week, maybe leaving out a few grim details. I mentioned a few weeks ago that I was finally been taken seriously by doctors about maybe having Endometriosis and this is what this whole appointment was about.

If anyone wants to comment here or on facebook and twitter I really don’t mind. If you want to speak to me privately you can private message me on facebook and twitter or email me. I’ll put all my details below.


Facebook -
Twitter -

Email -


Popular posts from this blog

When I Eventually Wake Up

I’ve lost track of what day of the week we’re on, what month or season. I’m dripping in sweat, it feels like Summer, but then I’m shivering, so is it Winter? I realise its still daytime from the stream of light peaking through sides of the blinds. The beauty of a sunrise or sunset taken away by the burning in my eyes. The birds singing outside that sounds like nails on a chalkboard. Every car driving past my window, the mumbling through my floorboards of my family watching TV, the postman at the door, the gardener mowing the lawn, all irritating me like an itch that you just can’t scratch.
My chest feels so heavy that I can’t lift it off the mattress, my shoulders pinned down by the invisible weights. My heads pounding and burning like any other young adult would after a long weekend, only mines not self inflicted by over priced cocktails and 99p shots. I lay their in pain from my toes to the top of my head, my legs restless, unable to find a comfortable position even in my cloud like …

30 Years of Mr and Mrs Spychalski

27.06.1987 - Mum and Dad's Wedding Day.
On the 27th of June 1987 was Pamela Robinson and Richard Spychalski's wedding day, soon to be my Mum and Dad. I wasn’t around 30 years ago. People still say it was the best wedding they’d ever been to, that's probably because of the free bottle of vodka they placed on every table.
Mum and Dad lets face it, the six years of marriage without me in it were pretty dull. I must have been the best anniversary gift you’ve ever received the day after your six year anniversary, I guess Dad was pleased he could save money on a gift that year, until he found out I was a girl and realised the small amount of money on a gift for mum is nothing compared to the money spent on a daughter for the rest of his life. You're welcome Dad.
If I’m honest I don’t know how they haven’t both packed up and moved away from me, together or not, although they are on holiday together this week, without me.
My Mum will be up all day and night if she could, researchi…

My Hero, My Idol, My Great Grandma

Today would have been my Great Grandmas 109th birthday. A lot of people probably never met any of their Great Grandparents. I was lucky to have had 18 years with one.
My Great Grandma, was the mother of my Grandma on my mum’s side. Her name was Mary King, but most people knew her as Molly. She past away when she was 103 and a week. That week is very important to me. I didn't even know it would be her last week with us. As a family it wasn't spent worried and preparing ourselves for her final few days, I didn’t even see her that week. 
The last time I saw my Great Grandma was on her 103rd birthday, opening her presents and cards in a care home she’d only spent the last 3 weeks of her life in because until those last three weeks, she lived in the same home she’d lived in for over 80 years.
My 18th birthday was five days after her 103rd. I’d finished college, planned a party for the weekend, I wanted to invite her, although I don’t think a party full of drunk 18 year olds was exactl…