The Cause of the Loss.

Hello to whoever may be reading this, if anyone still is.

Basically since my last blog I have been hiding away in my bedroom, lights off, curtains and blinds shut. I have worked out this doesn’t shut out the world, my brother playing music, dad watching football downstairs or my mum from trying to wake you up. But it has left me a lot of time to think.

I went to the doctors (again) as I had seen so many doctors recently that I wasn’t sure which medication I was meant to be taking. I have asked for a full copy of all my medical records as I’m not aware of really what they’re putting about me in them and after the amount of times I’ve been I’m kind of hoping for a loophole or something they’ve missed. They gave me a summary for now which I already found several bits of bullshit so we shall see when they send the whole records. But they gave me an account of my blood tests and nothing but my Vitamin D is wrong which irritated me and got me down. This illness is hard enough when the doctors give up. Since receiving my full records there are a few things that I believe have been over looked, but its 106 double sided pages long so I still need time to go over them.

But anyway, I tried to think myself of what could have caused this horrible illness. No one really knows that’s why there is no definite test for it. All the tests are to rule out anything else. Because of this, it means there is no definite cure either. This also means there is no known cause, only theories.

Many of people think it could be genetic, but I don’t believe this. I understand that maybe it could be and then brought on by something else so I was trying to think what that could be. A lot of people think it is down to having a viral infection like Glandular Fever which is what I’ve always put it down to with me but I’m sure my legs were in pain before then, and I don’t mean growing pains. Some people think it is a psychological thing like stress, bullying, grief, depression, etc. This is what I’ve been thinking about for some time as I soon see a psychologist (not that I’m going mad or anything).

So I thought of a few things around the time I left school which is when I believe this all started, 5 years ago now. First I thought it could have been having a boyfriend and the problems we had which I will say now weren’t his fault or mine it was down to the other people around us which I won’t go into detail about. Also I thought it could have been the struggle and stress of A Levels and getting a place into university and the fact that I hated college before I even got there. Then I thought it could be down to at school having a big group of friends that I saw so often out of school too and there was always something going on every week and everyone got on and were all so happy together. Pretty much all of them went to a different college and I was left at a place I hated but I’d gone there because they didn’t do the same subjects at the other college. I thought maybe it was my great grandma dying but that was after it all started and maybe just added to the pile of issues I have.

But then I finally guessed what has bothered me the most. I had a friend who I told everything to, even things I didn’t think I could tell anyone and they would do the same back. They told me everything they thought of me and gave me the best advice with things and I tried my best to do the same back. I spoke to them every day at least and they would say things that even if someone else said the same thing to me I would shrug them off but I believed this friend. I had known them since being a kid at primary school but we weren’t as close until high school. Even though we went to the same college I don’t know what happened, I don’t remember falling out or anything but we just drifted apart. I have a reason I can think of maybe, but I won’t say on here. Ever since then, I’ve bottled most things up as I’ve never found anyone I can talk to like them.

I don’t want them to blame themselves or anything as it isn’t their fault or anything. I believe that keeping things bottled up isn’t helping me and I have no way of letting it out apart from writing it down but I don’t feel that helps. Writing things down may help some people and I believe tearing it up, burning it or binning the paper you write it on can help too. But I miss having the advice or the understanding from someone else.

I’m sure one day when I find the confidence to go out more I’ll find someone to confide in. I do have friends and a boyfriend to talk to and family too, but it’s not the same. Also now with everyone at university or getting jobs and moving away it’s difficult to talk to them and keep in touch. Everyone now has their own lives and problems and I don’t want to bother anyone with mine.

I think I’ve been stuck in the same place since I was 16 and everyone else has moved on and grown up without me. Even though I can now drive, legally drink and everything else I still don’t feel like I should. I feel like I’ve been stuck for nearly 5 years on my own.

Hopefully this shows some sort of insight into how I’m feeling at the moment and I’ll have something else to write about next week as I have tonnes of appointments and I’m fending for myself for nearly 2 weeks. Maybe it’s  time to grow up a little.

Natasha

xoxo